The question of what to do when children refuse visitation comes up quite often in my practice. While I’ve touched on this topic in a previous blog, I believe it’s worth revisiting. This issue holds real value for any parent navigating custody arrangements.
When creating a custody agreement, I always tell my clients that children—especially younger ones—should not be the ones deciding whether scheduled parenting time occurs. While a child’s age and maturity level should be taken into account, these factors should not ultimately dictate compliance with parenting time.
It is the responsibility of each parent to ensure their child complies with the custody agreement. However, physically forcing compliance is not the answer—especially not in the long term. What’s crucial is to understand the root cause of the child’s resistance.
Here are some important questions for both parents to consider:
- What’s behind the child’s reluctance to visit the other parent?
- Do they feel guilty or disloyal for leaving one parent?
- Have they overheard negative comments or been exposed to information that influences their feelings?
- Is there a difference in parenting styles or discipline that makes one home feel less safe or comfortable?
- Was the relationship with the other parent weak or limited prior to the separation or divorce?
- Are they blaming one parent for the divorce or its outcome?
Any one of these factors can affect a child’s willingness to participate in visitation—and each deserves thoughtful attention. In many cases, parents can resolve these issues by having open discussions, either directly or with the help of a therapist or mediator.
Ask yourself:
- Are you co-parenting respectfully?
- Are you unintentionally sending mixed messages about the other parent?
- Could your own emotional needs—like sadness or loneliness—be making your child feel guilty for leaving you?
Sometimes, it’s necessary to sit down with your children and really listen to what they’re experiencing:
- Are they comfortable in both homes?
- Are the rules and expectations in each home drastically different or even conflicting?
- Are outside factors—like getting to school, bullying, or neighborhood issues—impacting their comfort?
- Are they fearful of being alone with one parent? If so, why?
Professional support from a counselor or divorce coach can be invaluable in uncovering what’s really going on. Children often feel more comfortable confiding in a neutral third party like a child psychologist, who may learn things they don’t feel safe telling either parent.
When you do speak with your child, make it a safe space. Listen without judgment or lectures as it only shuts down communication and puts your child on the defensive. If possible, hold a family meeting to discuss the issues together. When everyone contributes to and agrees on new rules they are more likely to be followed.
While visitation is a legal issue, it’s just as important to address it in non-legal, emotionally healthy ways. Whenever possible, keep decision-making within the family instead of relying on judges and court orders.
Get the help you need from caring professionals who embrace the child-centered divorce philosophy and address these issues as soon as possible. When you approach the issue with care, respect, and understanding, your children will feel your support—and hopefully, the entire family will benefit. With the right approach, visitation conflicts can be resolved in a way that works for everyone.