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Should I keep my marriage for the children’s sake?

As a former therapist I have worked with many children, whose parents went through divorce, I have also worked with children who resided with step-parents, single parents, or same sex parents. Even though unconditional love for children, acceptance, and consistency are the major factors that contribute to their successful upbringing and development, the intact families are the families where the children thrive best-providing that the parents are happily married. “Happily” is the key word. If parents have a high-discord marriage and are trying to save it only for the sake of the children, this proves to do just the opposite. It is extremely detrimental to the children’s upbringing. Through the years I was able to observe in my practice that the children often are better off when their high-discord parents divorce rather than stay together. Once their divorce is finalized, many parents are able to address parenting issues from a different angle. They are not as stressed and more able to focus on the parenting rather than on their own disagreements. I have also noticed that the way people divorce plays a tremendous role. Many of my former clients, who mediated their divorce, have learned during the mediation how to negotiate their issues should they come up in the future. These skills prove priceless as parents apply them any time they have conflicts between themselves or with their own children-unlike couples who litigate their divorces. Those frequently continue fighting even after their divorce is finalized, as they are trapped in their own issues. E. Mavis Heatherington, Professor Emeritus at the University of Virginia who published the results of a 20-year study of divorced families, once said: “The only childhood stress greater than two married parents fighting all the time, is two divorced parents fighting all the time.”

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Shared Custody

As a family mediator I help divorcing parents to create child/parent visitation schedules that would work for them as well as for their children. The trend that my colleagues and I are noticing is as follows: while in the past it was the most common for the kids to stay with their mothers with occasional visits from the fathers, now more and more parents realize that kids need both of them and both parents need their children. It is very difficult to present the actual custody data because states do not keep records of custody outcomes. Also sometimes parents come up with one custody plan in mediation and then implement something different in reality. However, shared custody is definitely the preferred choice for many divorcing parents nowadays. The definition of “shared parenting” is fluid. An arrangement might not be strictly 50/50 – one week at mom’s place and the other at dad’s. Parents sometimes come up with very creative, unorthodox solutions for their shared custody plans. The main purpose of these plans is giving the opportunity to the children to spend a lot of times with both parents. The rise of joint custody is attributed to a variety of factors, including changing gender roles, women taking on careers and men becoming more involved in their children’s upbringing. There are few points that parents need to take into account when they want to implement shared custody arrangements. Ideally, they should live in close proximity to each other, and each parent must be extra-organized. Parents should also realize that it will take time for them and for their children to adjust to their new and hectic schedules. Once these barriers are overcome, the benefits will over shine the challenges. Research shows that children in shared custody arrangements showed fewer behavioral problems and had better relationships with both parents which is crucial to children’s development. There is only one caveat – parents should get along. High-conflict environment, especially when it places children in the center of parental arguments, is detrimental for children. It completely nullifies the benefits that the dual residence arrangement can provide.

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Mediation: a shift in paradigm

A simple fact about divorce is that, in the absence of a custody dispute, there is only one issue that needs to be resolved, and that is finances. All of the impossible disputes in the relationship become miraculously moot. The complicating fact of divorce is that without the practical realm in which emotional conflicts are ordinarily expressed, the unresolved feelings compress into the single question of money. And so, money becomes everything. The insight of mediation is that neither party's satisfaction bears a definite relation to the settlement's dollar amount, and therefore the mediator should not focus on a monetary figure -- as litigators do -- but on how money figures. For example, one of my couples while in mediation went through a mental shift: instead of thinking that her husband is plundering her savings, she choose to imagine that she will give him a supplement for a certain length of time for his expenses so that he could continue the lifestyle they had developed together. The turning point however occurred when they both realized how tragic divorce was for both of them and that they both were overwhelmed by the enormity of what happened. Therefore coming to terms with something they thought was unfair and move on, was powerful and liberating for both. The number on the mediation agreement was one neither of them would have chosen, but one both of them could live with, precisely because they did choose it. They both agree that had a judge given them that same number, they each would have felt cheated and would have blamed their attorneys. For them as for many other divorcing couples, mediation became not only a better alternative to litigation, but also an experience that changed their perspective on what have happened to them and allowed them to get on with their lives.

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Mediation Became a Feasible Alternative to Litigation

American matrimonial law is punitive — protracted, expensive, confusing, damaging. Yet a divorce is now an ordinary outcome to a marriage. Over the last two decades, the proportion of failed marriages had held stable at around 50 percent, but (while national data lags) some experts suggest that the rate may be tipping over half. Historically, periods of economic hardship tend to keep couples together; the current economic downturn, however, appears not to have had that effect. A survey by theAmericanAcademyof Matrimonial Lawyers found that 78 percent of divorce attorneys say that their caseloads are steady or increasing. Several studies, according to The Wall Street Journal and others, show that divorce filings have increased in many areas and, moreover, that there is an increase in the number of contentious divorces. Mediation became a feasible alternative to litigation began in the 1970′s, it is now beginning to reach a critical mass. My hope is that someday soon people may look at litigation as a last resort only for unusually contentious divorces (cases in which one partner is abusive or absent), rather than the norm. Litigated divorce inherently fosters enmity. In litigation, dialogue immediately ceases: the first rule a lawyer conveys to the client is literally to not talk to his or her spouse. Mediation, by contrast, relieves couples of the need to badmouth each other. Couples employing mediation have been shown to be significantly happier with both the process and the results than couples using litigation. As an article inSt. John’sLaw Review noted, one study found that 73 percent of those in mediation were satisfied or highly satisfied. Trials yield little satisfaction, and even attorney-negotiated settlements were satisfactory to only 23 percent of divorcees. In mediation, you have the opportunity to tailor the law to your own needs. Mediation, as a process, teaches both parties to make the right choices, communicate to each other, respect each other’s opinions and handle issues fairly without any overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame. During a mediation process a couple will hopefully acquire knowledge not to depend exclusively on professionals, but rather be creative and come up with their own decisions, negotiate fairly and in good faith, learn how to experience and express their anger rather than act it out. Therefore, frictions can be avoided, thousands of dollars can be saved, and both of you will be able to enjoy your children’s birthdays together for many years to come.

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Financial Advisors Can Help Prevent Divorces

Couples who disagree about money once a week are twice as likely to divorce as those who disagree once a month or less. And there can be added difficulties for couple who are at least $10,000 in debt…and once in which one spouse disapproves of how the other handles money. What to do: Focus on both the financial and relationship issues. On the money side, consider working with a credit counselor-find one through the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (www.nfcc.org). On the relationship side, try a marital-education program from PREP (www.prepinc.com) or PAIRS Foundation (www.pairs.com).

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